Thursday, June 13, 2024

Updated Presidential Fitness Test

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The Presidential Physical Fitness Test was introduced by Lyndon B. Johnson, in 1966, as a way to encourage health and exercise among children through a variety of challenges. The test was discontinued, in 2012, but after the events of the last week an updated emergency version of the classic regimen has been released. Take the test to find out if you are Presidentially fit.

Sit and Reach

While sitting on the floor with your legs stretched out in front of you, clasp hands together and slowly reach forward as far as possible. Hold this stretch for three full seconds. During those seconds, you must keep your hands together, your legs down, and refrain from insulting our oldest and most reliable allies.

Shuttle Run

Each participant must run thirty feet, pick up a block, sprint back to the starting line, deposit the block, and then repeat. Runners can earn points for speed and agility, but they can just as quickly lose points for mocking a dying war hero.

Endurance Run

Run or walk (or a combination of the two) for a distance of one mile. The entire intelligence committee agrees that you completed the mile in fourteen minutes and forty-three seconds, which is honestly generous. Now all you have to do to earn full points for this portion of the exam is not publicly take the side of a foreign adversary over theirs.


An ex-K.G.B. thug regularly has his own citizens murdered and illegally annexed an entire republic. While hanging from horizontal bars with arms bent at a ninety-degree angle, go as long as you can without complimenting him on national television. (Note: what is considered a right angle today is vastly more extreme than what passed for a right angle in 1966. Adjust scoring accordingly.)


Lie on a clean, cushioned surface with knees bent and feet shoulder-width apart. Cross arms and raise trunk. Did you touch your elbows to your thighs? Then you’ve earned a point for one curl-up. If, instead of touching your elbows to your thighs, you called the entire European Union the foe of the United States, no points.

Alternative 2018 Curl-Ups

After adequate stretching, reach for your phone and turn it on. You will immediately receive a dozen push notifications from CNN, the Times, and other news sources. Dutifully click on each notification, and then curl up into a ball and sob. For a more advanced version of this exercise, skip the reading and just immediately curl up into a ball and sob.

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